My Apology

Here is one more picture from the luncheon after Grandma's funeral. The H family has experienced a major baby boom. These are not even all of the babies that have been born this year! Shane's sister Mindy had a baby boy, Zach, earlier this year, but Mindy and family had left just a bit before this picture was taken. Also, Shane's sister Kim adopted her sweet new baby boy, Kenyon, just days before Grandma passed away. Kenyon was still in the hospital the day of the funeral. Forgive me if there have been others this year that I can't remember right now, I think there might be even more. Notice the only girl of the bunch on the far right -- Rebecca's baby, Elizabeth. What are the odds that only one girl was born, but seven boys?! All I can think is poor girl at the reunions! Good thing she has lots of older girl cousins to protect her!I had a really bittersweet moment as I took the picture above of all the mommas and babies. I think you all know that we were chosen (in December) to adopt a little baby boy due in April (he was due the exact same day as Mary's baby, the one in the lion bib), but then, in January, the beautiful, sweet girl who had chosen us decided instead that she was going to parent. We knew the risk was part of the roller coaster ride that is adoption, but she had been so sure and it had all felt so wonderful.

Although we have done pretty well since the failed match, certain days or moments have been harder for me (i.e. The baby's due date, Mother's day, or the days Carter asks where the baby is or tells me he needs a baby sister or brother...). If you haven't experienced this loss, you may not be able to understand, but for us it's like a miscarriage pretty far along in the pregnancy. There is a child that is coming to your family. You prepare, you open your heart and begin to love...not only the child, but the birth mother, and in our case, her family as well. I could go on and on, but many of you already know this story.

The point is, just as I snapped this picture, it all hit me like a ton of bricks -- right in my throat -- I could have been in this picture with my new baby boy too, just like everyone else. "Oh calm down," I told myself. It would have happened if it were right. I know that. I tried to swallow it back down and blink the tears away but it wouldn't subside. It came bubbling over and spilling out despite my best efforts. I found myself suddenly overcome, sweating, heart pounding in my head, crying uncontrollably. I quickly put my camera down and, trying to attract as little attention as possible, hurried out of the room and into the bathroom. It was too late. Ugly cry had already taken over and I was a complete mess. I was even doing the gasping for air thing between sobs. Shane's poor cousin Julia, whom I had never had the opportunity to meet before, walked into the bathroom at that very moment. What a first impression. Sorry Julia! It took quite a while to calm down and I just want to apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable. I don't hate you because you have a baby! Sometimes it's just more difficult than others! If any of you asked if I was okay that day, and I began to cry again, please know it was beyond my control and it was not your fault!