Better Than I

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear

For You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in You

For You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know Better Than I

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me?

For You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
For You know Better Than I

by John Bucchino

This is one of my all time favorite songs. I remember weeping through it and trying to catch my breath the first time I listened to the lyrics while watching the movie Joseph: King of Dreams. It seems we all need a reminder from time to time that we are in God's hands and that He will never leave us alone. If we find ourselves feeling lonely, it is not because He has turned away. I have always known this truth, but I seem to drift away from it now and then, needing my own reminders occasionally. The most profound of the many lessons I have learned in my life thus far is the one taught here: He does know better than I. He won't always give me what I want when I want it, but He will always bless my life by providing what I need when I need it most.

A few of my favorite versions of this song are by Danny Campbell, Joy Williams, and Jessie Clark Funk.

Below is the clip from Joseph featuring Danny Campbell. Enjoy, my friends.

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The Luckiest

The number one question everyone has for us right now seems to be how we were chosen so fast again. Ruby is just 10 months old! The babies will be only 15 months apart. I know! Before I tell you all the story of how we came to be "expecting" another angel baby so soon, I want to share something with you that Shane and I have been really thinking a lot about. I just read an amazing post this week on my friend Emrie's blog. I'd like to share a small bit of it with you (I hope you don't mind, Emrie!). I've been thinking about it a lot. I think she put it so beautifully, so simply. Emrie and her husband, Luke, just had their fourth placement...in four years!!! Emrie really put my current feelings into words so well:

I don’t know why we have been so blessed to have our kids join us so quick. We’re a little of an anomaly in the adoption community. We have so many friends that have been searching for their kids for years while we’ve been placed with 4 in the last 4 years. I’m overcome with joy for our beautiful spirits and their courageous birth moms. I know that these children were meant to find us. I know that we never stopped working to find them. I also have the faith that you will find yours if you continue to search for them.

Even though we looked far longer for Carter and for Ruby than we have this time around for this baby, I feel the same way, and here we are on our way to having three children, four and under! We wanted to adopt the first time for nearly 5 years, from the time we made the decision until Carter was placed with us by his loving birth mother. We began our search for Ruby when Carter was 15 months old. It took 22 months, a failed match, and several possible situations coming up and falling through until we received that amazing call last August 6th that Ruby was being born! I feel blessed beyond measure, giddy with excitement that this time around we have been chosen before we've even officially started the "finding" process again (although we have remained certified for the last 5 years straight just in case).

That said, as we celebrate, so many couples are still hoping for their first child, or maybe their second or third, and we ache a little as we share our good news for those still searching. We sincerely hope you all know we love you and pray for you. We tell people about you and that you are hoping to adopt. We share your pass along cards any chance we get. We keep them in the car, in our wallets and bags, just in case. We think of you often. We put your names on the temple prayer rolls. We add "Baby (your last name) and birth mother" and we really hope your dreams will come true soon. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but we have felt the pain and ache of empty arms. We talk about what you must be going through and try to think of ways we might be helpful. Please know that we don't mean any pain as we announce this joyous news. We can't wait to rejoice with you when the time comes!

Each of us has our own path. Each journey is unique. Something as sensitive and personal as wanting to become a parent when it seems like the cards are stacked against us is SO HARD. There are feelings of comparison, judgment, confusion, inadequacy, unrighteousness, etc, etc. Just because one couple is chosen in a month and one couple still isn't chosen after years, there should never be fear of judgment of that longer-waiting couple's worthiness or desire. Those feelings never come from Father. He wants dearly for us to have those righteous desires, but knows our timing is based on limited vision. He won't give us what we want in our timing when we knows what we need in His!

All I really know is that our loving Father in Heaven knows what we need. He will provide what we need when we need it. That doesn't always seem to coincide with what we want when we want it! The minute my peaceful newborn son Carter was placed in my arms, I felt all my years of pain melt away, and for a moment I saw with perfect clarity that His hand was clearly there through all my trials of the previous five long years! It all suddenly made sense and I realized a tremendous foundation had been carefully constructed for that moment -- that beautiful, most sacred moment in a corner hospital classroom.

I shared a passage from Kerstin Daynes' book, Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing, in my Change of Heart post last week. LOVE that book! I have underlined nearly. every. word. of the first six chapters. I'm not exaggerating! I wish I would have gotten this book as a wedding present! ;) Seriously though, if only I could have known I was not alone, that I was not a failure as a wife and as a woman. I wish I had been able to learn those essential things earlier on that I have learned...but now that I know how my story is turning out, I wouldn't have it any other way. Father has blessed my life with so many opportunities for growth that have prepared me for motherhood and for the chance to serve others.

In summary, I know I am lucky. I know I am blessed. I am FULL of gratitude and humility. I know Shane is too. We've discussed this topic at length and really worried about hurting feelings with this announcement. Thank you for sharing our happy moments with us! I want to share part of the lyrics from a certain song. They are on my mind as I write this tonight.

The Luckiest
by Ben Folds Five

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am The luckiest

Carter Jesse, about one week old

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Waiting...

"The children of Israel waited 40 years before they could enter the promised land.

Jacob waited seven long years for Rachel.

The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild their temple.

The Nephites waited for the sign of Christ's birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come they would perish.

Joseph Smith's trial in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, 'How long?'

In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way.

We wait for answers to prayer.

We wait for things which, at the time, may appear so right, and so good to us, that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer."

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf,
180th Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
April 2010 (Priesthood Session)

President Uchtdorf shared these words as part of an excellent address on waiting and patience.

As he spoke, I couldn't help but reflect on the feelings I had while waiting 22 long months for Ruby to come to our family. It was SO hard to wait for her. Looking back now, it seems like such a short time. Her arrival was such a well orchestrated symphony of miracles, that it could only have been planned out by a loving, all-powerful Father.

I also thought back to the time eight years ago, in a Cardiologists office, when we first decided that adoption would be the path to our forever family - and the next five years of delays related to Megan's open heart surgery and recovery - as we yearned with all our hearts to become parents. We waited as patiently as we could, with empty arms and hearts full of love to give, until Carter's birth family came into our lives and brought him to our family.

If only our foresight were as keen as our hindsight.

We know many of our friends are in a seemingly endless wait right now. Many are hoping to adopt, others are struggling with the frustration of infertility and/or miscarriage while hoping for a pregnancy. Some are waiting to find their eternal companion, or waiting for a lengthy trial of another kind to pass.

"Every one of us is called to wait in our own way."

Set aside 20 minutes of your day soon to listen to this whole talk.
You'll be glad you did.
(Or right click the link and select "Save Link As" to download it and put it on your iPod.)

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We've had quite the...

ROUGH morning.
Carter has been waking up earlier and earlier, and fighting bedtime later and later....
this does not equal any kind of fun.
EVER.

After CJ fell back asleep while in time out this morning, and Miss R went down, I found these pictures hiding in February's file and thought I'd share them in honor of better days --
those rare great days,
when everything seamlessly falls into place and everyone is happy and polite all day long. Motherhood would sure be boring if all days were that way, but we need them every once in a while so we don't lose our minds! LOL!

pictures taken 2-9-2010 by Shane (also the maker of the coolest diaper box car ever!)

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Foho Family Reunion 2009 Part Three: Choices

After we had a big breakfast at Jim's, each person was given an envelope with $2.15 in it. We all headed to the dollar store, where we had the choice to spend our money on two things for ourselves, one thing for ourselves and one thing for the women's shelter, or two things for the women's shelter. My mom just left her trunk open with a box in it while people were coming out of the store and if you had something for the shelter you could drop it in the box.

Here's my cute momma:
It was really interesting to be able to watch my siblings help their children make choices since I didn't have Carter and Shane with me at the reunion. They are all great examples to me.---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation overheard (bewtween a brother of mine and his daughter -- NOT the ones pictured above):

Daughter (admiring a box of fake nails almost reverently):
OOOOOooooooh! These are so pretty!

Father:
For you or for the poor children?

Daughter (without pause and in cheerful voice):
For ME!!!

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Swimmer's Toes

Carter is determined and focused when he sets his mind to an activity. Lately it's been swimming almost every day. During a couple of days this week his toes were getting rubbed raw from jumping off the diving board and climbing up the wall to get out of the pool. It didn't even phase him until he got out and they started stinging to walk on. We helped him out by putting bandaids on 4 of his toes, and now we have him wear swim shoes when he goes out.

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High Standards

We are so glad this nearby high school sets such high standards for it's students...

We thought better advice for high school students would be simply, "Don't Drink." Then next year they could raise the bar a bit with something like, "Be Cool. Stay in School."

Don't get us wrong, some of our best friends are Padres, and they are great students. We're just thinking the student body in general could benefit from a greeting that shows a little more confidence in their potential.
REALLY? That's the best you can do??

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My Apology

Here is one more picture from the luncheon after Grandma's funeral. The H family has experienced a major baby boom. These are not even all of the babies that have been born this year! Shane's sister Mindy had a baby boy, Zach, earlier this year, but Mindy and family had left just a bit before this picture was taken. Also, Shane's sister Kim adopted her sweet new baby boy, Kenyon, just days before Grandma passed away. Kenyon was still in the hospital the day of the funeral. Forgive me if there have been others this year that I can't remember right now, I think there might be even more. Notice the only girl of the bunch on the far right -- Rebecca's baby, Elizabeth. What are the odds that only one girl was born, but seven boys?! All I can think is poor girl at the reunions! Good thing she has lots of older girl cousins to protect her!I had a really bittersweet moment as I took the picture above of all the mommas and babies. I think you all know that we were chosen (in December) to adopt a little baby boy due in April (he was due the exact same day as Mary's baby, the one in the lion bib), but then, in January, the beautiful, sweet girl who had chosen us decided instead that she was going to parent. We knew the risk was part of the roller coaster ride that is adoption, but she had been so sure and it had all felt so wonderful.

Although we have done pretty well since the failed match, certain days or moments have been harder for me (i.e. The baby's due date, Mother's day, or the days Carter asks where the baby is or tells me he needs a baby sister or brother...). If you haven't experienced this loss, you may not be able to understand, but for us it's like a miscarriage pretty far along in the pregnancy. There is a child that is coming to your family. You prepare, you open your heart and begin to love...not only the child, but the birth mother, and in our case, her family as well. I could go on and on, but many of you already know this story.

The point is, just as I snapped this picture, it all hit me like a ton of bricks -- right in my throat -- I could have been in this picture with my new baby boy too, just like everyone else. "Oh calm down," I told myself. It would have happened if it were right. I know that. I tried to swallow it back down and blink the tears away but it wouldn't subside. It came bubbling over and spilling out despite my best efforts. I found myself suddenly overcome, sweating, heart pounding in my head, crying uncontrollably. I quickly put my camera down and, trying to attract as little attention as possible, hurried out of the room and into the bathroom. It was too late. Ugly cry had already taken over and I was a complete mess. I was even doing the gasping for air thing between sobs. Shane's poor cousin Julia, whom I had never had the opportunity to meet before, walked into the bathroom at that very moment. What a first impression. Sorry Julia! It took quite a while to calm down and I just want to apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable. I don't hate you because you have a baby! Sometimes it's just more difficult than others! If any of you asked if I was okay that day, and I began to cry again, please know it was beyond my control and it was not your fault!

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Broken System?

Last week I stumbled across a sibling group of two adorable brothers (age one and three) on a "waiting children" photolisting online. I was pulled in as I saw their picture and after talking to hubby about it and getting a very positive response from him, I sent in an inquiry via the contact form on the state website where we had found the boys' profile. I would normally just have waited at that point to see if I heard back fromt he boys' caseworker. However, the website said they would only be accepting home studies through Monday June 22, 2009 at 4:30 pm. I knew that we'd have to get ours sent right away, so I only gave it one day before I called the worker. No answer...then the voicemail picked up but said the inbox was full so I couldn't leave a message. I tried back several times that day and the next with no success, so I finally contacted the supervisor of the worker (her name and number were included in the voicemail message).

It took a few days and several more calls before I actually heard back from the worker. She asked me to tell her about our family and to start by telling her who was in our family. I explained that my hubby is 29, I am 28, and we have a son that we adopted as an infant that will be three next month. Without hearing ANYTHING else about us, she said young children tend to vie for attention. I agreed. My husband and I have served in the nursery at church on and off through our eight years of marriage. In nursery, we tend the group of about 10-20 18-month to three-year-old children for two hours each Sunday. I kind of chuckled to myself about how well I knew that young children "vie for attention." I waited to hear what her next question would be. Instead I simply heard her say that since we already had a young child we probably wouldn't be a good match for these boys seeing as how they would all want attention. It took me a moment to realize she was done with me.

I was dumbfounded to say the least. I literally was speechless. All I knew to do was to politely thank the worker for calling and hang up feeling like my stomach had wedged itself up inside of my throat. I began to think about all the things I should have said. Maybe something like this:
"Is there a specific reason these kids would struggle with another young child in the home beyond regular kid stuff?" Or maybe "Um, with all due respect, I don't agree that just because we have a toddler already we should be excluded from consideration. Is there something you aren't telling me? Do these boys have specific needs that require them not to have another similarly-aged sibling?"

When I told Shane, he was mad too. He said something like, "So pretty much it sounds like a broken system. We keep hearing that kids need us, but when we inquire about them we are shut down and ignored. Are they really making this about the kids?"

I've been stewing for a few days now. I can't stop thinking about the boys today. Home studies had to be in three hours ago. I think I have finally come up with what I really want to tell the worker. I hope you don't mind me venting it to you:

How about, "Well, wouldn't you like to learn a bit more about us before you so hastily judge us? My husband has 10 siblings, I have five, and we have dozens of nieces and nephews we have grown up loving and taking care of. Oh, and both of us come from not only big but also happy stable families. Don't get me wrong, we have problems like everyone else, but we understand that it's about love, not perfection. In addition to our son, five more children have been adopted by three of our siblings. All of these adoptions have brought children of different backgrounds into our home and we absolutely respect and celebrate those children and their heritage. Even my father-in-law is an adoptee and understands and expresses gratitude for the love of a family who took him in as a teenager and has never looked back with anything but love and acceptance.

"I babysat almost every weekend of my life between the ages of 10 and 21. So did my husband. When we were dating in college, he still stayed home with six of his younger siblings one weekend night a week so his parents could go out. In fact, that was what we for did our second date -- hung out with his siblings. He rocked and sung his little sister to sleep that night and I fell for him a little more because of it.

"My majors in college were Marriage, Family, and Human Development and Home and Family Living. Shane took several of my classes with me (Marriage Enhancement, Child Development, Strengthening Families, etc.) so that we could be on the same page as a partnership in parenting. Shane majored in Elecrical Engineering and has a minor in Spanish. He can speak and write fluently. He has a great job and I am able to stay home to be a momma, all I've ever wanted to be. While waiting for our opportunity to be blessed with children, we volunteered and worked as weekend house parents at a children's crisis nursery. We worked as foster and adoption respite care providers, got calls from CPS and took in children who had just been removed from their homes and some who had to be "detoxed" at the hospital because they were removed from meth houses. We spent nights tending kids who were potty training, throwing up, acting out, scared, sad, and lonely. There were children with disabilities, children who screamed or cried for hours at a time, children who needed constant one-on-one undivided attention to be manageable, children who stole and hoarded food because they knew what it was like to really be starving, and there were children who had been abused. We cared for up to 10 children at any given time of day or night and did just fine, all by ourselves. We had to say good-bye to kids who begged us not to go, who had no "home" to speak of and had become attached to us. They are the reason we decided we needed to look at waiting children in the first place. When I went home crying, wanting to take these kids home and care for them myself, I knew it would be painful, but that I would one day be a foster parent.

"Do you still think we might not be able to handle three young kids?"

What do you think? Should I have said something to her?

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