The Luckiest

The number one question everyone has for us right now seems to be how we were chosen so fast again. Ruby is just 10 months old! The babies will be only 15 months apart. I know! Before I tell you all the story of how we came to be "expecting" another angel baby so soon, I want to share something with you that Shane and I have been really thinking a lot about. I just read an amazing post this week on my friend Emrie's blog. I'd like to share a small bit of it with you (I hope you don't mind, Emrie!). I've been thinking about it a lot. I think she put it so beautifully, so simply. Emrie and her husband, Luke, just had their fourth placement...in four years!!! Emrie really put my current feelings into words so well:

I don’t know why we have been so blessed to have our kids join us so quick. We’re a little of an anomaly in the adoption community. We have so many friends that have been searching for their kids for years while we’ve been placed with 4 in the last 4 years. I’m overcome with joy for our beautiful spirits and their courageous birth moms. I know that these children were meant to find us. I know that we never stopped working to find them. I also have the faith that you will find yours if you continue to search for them.

Even though we looked far longer for Carter and for Ruby than we have this time around for this baby, I feel the same way, and here we are on our way to having three children, four and under! We wanted to adopt the first time for nearly 5 years, from the time we made the decision until Carter was placed with us by his loving birth mother. We began our search for Ruby when Carter was 15 months old. It took 22 months, a failed match, and several possible situations coming up and falling through until we received that amazing call last August 6th that Ruby was being born! I feel blessed beyond measure, giddy with excitement that this time around we have been chosen before we've even officially started the "finding" process again (although we have remained certified for the last 5 years straight just in case).

That said, as we celebrate, so many couples are still hoping for their first child, or maybe their second or third, and we ache a little as we share our good news for those still searching. We sincerely hope you all know we love you and pray for you. We tell people about you and that you are hoping to adopt. We share your pass along cards any chance we get. We keep them in the car, in our wallets and bags, just in case. We think of you often. We put your names on the temple prayer rolls. We add "Baby (your last name) and birth mother" and we really hope your dreams will come true soon. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but we have felt the pain and ache of empty arms. We talk about what you must be going through and try to think of ways we might be helpful. Please know that we don't mean any pain as we announce this joyous news. We can't wait to rejoice with you when the time comes!

Each of us has our own path. Each journey is unique. Something as sensitive and personal as wanting to become a parent when it seems like the cards are stacked against us is SO HARD. There are feelings of comparison, judgment, confusion, inadequacy, unrighteousness, etc, etc. Just because one couple is chosen in a month and one couple still isn't chosen after years, there should never be fear of judgment of that longer-waiting couple's worthiness or desire. Those feelings never come from Father. He wants dearly for us to have those righteous desires, but knows our timing is based on limited vision. He won't give us what we want in our timing when we knows what we need in His!

All I really know is that our loving Father in Heaven knows what we need. He will provide what we need when we need it. That doesn't always seem to coincide with what we want when we want it! The minute my peaceful newborn son Carter was placed in my arms, I felt all my years of pain melt away, and for a moment I saw with perfect clarity that His hand was clearly there through all my trials of the previous five long years! It all suddenly made sense and I realized a tremendous foundation had been carefully constructed for that moment -- that beautiful, most sacred moment in a corner hospital classroom.

I shared a passage from Kerstin Daynes' book, Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing, in my Change of Heart post last week. LOVE that book! I have underlined nearly. every. word. of the first six chapters. I'm not exaggerating! I wish I would have gotten this book as a wedding present! ;) Seriously though, if only I could have known I was not alone, that I was not a failure as a wife and as a woman. I wish I had been able to learn those essential things earlier on that I have learned...but now that I know how my story is turning out, I wouldn't have it any other way. Father has blessed my life with so many opportunities for growth that have prepared me for motherhood and for the chance to serve others.

In summary, I know I am lucky. I know I am blessed. I am FULL of gratitude and humility. I know Shane is too. We've discussed this topic at length and really worried about hurting feelings with this announcement. Thank you for sharing our happy moments with us! I want to share part of the lyrics from a certain song. They are on my mind as I write this tonight.

The Luckiest
by Ben Folds Five

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am The luckiest

Carter Jesse, about one week old