Me - circa the mid-80'sThis is gonna sound kind of dramatic to some of you, but to others it might totally hit home. Before we were blessed to be parents, I felt sometimes like a human rendition of Swiss cheese -- all holey and empty. I was born to be a mother. Since I was a little girl, I have never wanted to really "be" anything but a momma full-time. I had a roommate in college who got really mad at me one time because she couldn't believe I didn't want anything more for myself that "just to be a mother." Recalling her exact words makes me want to shudder a little. I can't think of anything more difficult than motherhood, but I can't think of anything more rewarding either.
Me with my own mother - circa 1985Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.
-Mildred B. Vermont
When someone who was born to be a mother is forbidden to get pregnant and told that doing so will likely end in fatality, the room begins to spin and voices turn into echos. Hot tears flow. It feels like the world has ended. As with any large trial in life, it feels as though humility clobbers you smack dab in the middle of the forehead, and you crumble to your knees. A coincidence that you end up on your knees? I think not. God's all encompassing grace and love reach out and offer you a hand. Sometimes you take it and sometimes you choose to wallow a while before you decide to get up and take a step into the dark.
While walking the dark path, one step at a time, sometimes there are bright oases of light and warmth that urge you onward. Sometimes, you even see a light in the distance. When journeying along the path of adoption, you might hope eventually to arrive at that light-filled place where miracles happen and dreams come true (or like Katie in the movie Horton Hears a Who describes, "In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies.") -- for us that dream place is called parenthood. We're even okay with the fact that the poop won't be butterflies!
Some days, you might decide to stop and ask "are we there yet?" again. You might have to stop for directions. Then, you might finally get to the point where you learn to appreciate the journey, and have joy in it even. For us, that was when we finally seem to get the call, the text, or the e-mail that acts like a road map or sign, letting us know our next stop is finally parenthood! Not only are you full of joy and peace that the darkness might finally be passing, but your heart seems to grow for all the love you now feel for a certain woman who is carrying, or has carried, the child that will be yours. Outside the adoption community, I believe birth parents are sorely misunderstood. I could write volumes about my opinion on the subject. Above all, I want to convey the message that in this space, my space, birth parents are respected and honored and loved. Please respect that. Please know that the women who chose life for their babies and chose Shane and I as their loving parents are our biggest heroes. There are never words enough to thank your child's birth mother, or if given the opportunity, a birth father or extended birth family, in the way they deserve. And in the end, I know they didn't choose adoption for me, but for that baby and how much they loved him or her.
Carter - one week oldWhen Carter was born, it took 15 months before we felt the pull to search for another baby. However, after Ruby was born, we still felt like another baby was on the way. We have enjoyed her stages as she's grown, and we've taken every chance to snuggle and love on her. It's not that we didn't feel the same special bond with her, we just knew our hearts needed to remain open because it was gonna be faster this time. Shane and I had discussed it many times. I would say we've even made more of an effort to love on her now because we felt baby three would come fast. Those feelings we had were right.
Carter meeting Ruby for the first time at the airportJust about two months ago (on the exact day that Ruby turned 9 months old), I contacted CJ's birth grandma, Jolene. I usually try to let her know whenever I am sending something so she knows it's coming. We wanted to have flowers delivered to J for Birth Mother's Day and Mother's Day, and I wanted to make sure someone would be home when the flowers were going to arrive. We worked it out and I scheduled the delivery (with my favorite Provo flower shop, of course -- love you CCF ladies!).
Later that night, Shane and I were cuddled on the couch together with the kids, just before we put them to bed. Sometimes Carter likes to watch a video of Goodnight Gorilla or How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight? together instead of reading his bedtime story. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and wondered who would be texting. I was surprised to see that it was a message from Jolene. We always love to hear from CJ's birth family, and I was excited to hear from her again so soon after just texting earlier that day. I quickly unlocked my phone and opened the message.
I was humbled, overwhelmed, delighted, and blown-away all at once to learn that our sweet J is pregnant and has decided on making an adoption plan again. She wanted to know if, even though Ruby is still so small, we would be ready to add to our family again before the end of the year! I was moved to tears. I felt my heart swell with love, respect, and again, so much humility that J would consider placing with us again. Shane heard my quiet sob and asked immediately what was the matter. I could hardly get words out, but blurted, "J is pregnant and wants to place with us again!" He just held me tight and we cried together for a minute before I handed him my phone so he could read the message himself. We instantly felt peace and grinned ear-to-ear at one another. We responded right away, explaining what we were feeling and how excited we were. Since then, although I couldn't have imagined it possible, my love has only grown for J. I hope and pray that she knows how truly we love her and always will.
When I was talking on the phone to Jolene shortly thereafter, I tried to describe how humbled we were that Jesse would consider choosing to place with us again. I told her I guess we must have done something right! She responded that we had done way more than something right. My heart melted. Heavenly Father has blessed and guided us along the way. I hope our relationship will only get stronger as we welcome and love this baby, as his or her birth family and adoptive family, together.
And that, my friends, is how we were chosen again so quickly. We decided not to announce until J had been to the doctor and we had a due date to share. Today is the ultrasound and we are so anxious to hear what the baby's gender is. We think about J and baby every day and pray often for them. Carter's prayers are the sweetest. He prays every prayer for J by name, and adds in the baby when he remembers. He talks a lot about when the baby will come and whether it will be a boy or girl. He has already given us his opinion about certain names, too! Ruby became interested in baby dolls on her own by trying to swipe them from other kids, so we bought her a little one from Target that she totes around everywhere now. One day, Carter kept taking Ruby's doll away, and I finally thought to ask him if he wanted a baby doll, too. He got the biggest grin on his face and nodded. After a day of particularly good behavior, we picked him up his own and now they share and love to "help" with the babies.
Thank you for sharing in our excitement as we await this third baby's arrival!
This picture was taken in April 2008. Carter was not yet two years old. If you know Carter at all, you know he never holds still for very long! Imagine what a wonderful surprise it was when he climbed right up on J's lap at our visit and remained there, snuggled in with her on the swing, for a good 10-20 minutes at least. It is a memory I hold very dear.
